This is going to be long, but I have a lot of bad things to tell.
I am now 18. But I feel it might help to tell about my childhood.
My mother.. She had an abortion when she was 15, 16, and 17. She had my oldest brother when she was 18. Three years later had another son. Two and a half, she got pregnant with me(daughter). She wanted an abortion but my father said no. So while pregnant she kept up her nasty drug habit and all the other things she did. I was born a little over 2 months pre-mature. I was put on machines and I weighed a total of 3 lbs. The doctors said I was a lucky one. I came out withdrawling, but that was fixed and other than that, I was actually healthy. Than ever since I could remember my mother beat me horribly both physically, mentally, and verbally, let men continuously rape me, tried to kill me, and would lock me in the closet for days. She was never home and would hurt herself and have my father put in jail as if he did it. She was sleeping around both with men and women. She didnt bother with my brother at all, so as far as I was concerned, they were lucky. She told me she hated me, I was a mistake, I am nothing, and that's just some of it. She let the men touch me and rape me, just so she could get free drugs. I have watched her shoot up, snort, smoke stuff, and take pills. She taught me how to smoke cigs. and gave me beer when I was just 8 years old. For no reason at all, she would just wlk up to me and beat me with whatever hard object was closest. My father was working day and night, and lived with my grandparents. He tried to stay married to her so that we wouldn't be stuck with her, but it didn't happen. One day, when I was 9 years old, my oldest brother called my father to say that none of the bills were paid, there was nothing to eat, and our mother hasn't been home in days. My father came over paid the bills, bought some food, and took me to the hospital. I had broken ribs, fingers, shoulder, tailbone, and she broke my face. I had burn marks on my body from her putting her cigs out on me, and my hands were burnt from her turning on the stove and holding my hands on the burners, and I was so skinny you could see my bones sticking out while I was just standing there. I was about 25-30 lbs underweight(basically I was dieing, slowly). She also cut all my hair off, and told me it was because I am hated and the most ugliest piece of sh*t she'd ever seen. My father got custody, but he was into some drugs also. He would work and sleep, that's it. He made me cook, clean, and basically take care of everyone, and I did until he straightened out and remarried. Since I was in 8th grade until this past thanksgiving, I have moved a total of about 9 times. I have lived with family members, and friends.We didn't get along and still don't. I now live with my aunt. Since I was in first grade I been seeing psychologists, therapists, and psychiatrists. I am depressed, have ADD/ADHD, and bad anxiety. I had eating disorders and was suicidal from the time I was 7 until I was 16. I was what they call a cutter. I would sit somewhere/anywhere private and cut myself all over with anything sharp. I still do it once in a blue moon, but I ty so hard not to. I hate my body, don't open up, and don't trust anyone except my 5 best friends I have known since I was 6 years old. Since I was 9 years old, I have seen my mother once. That was when she kidnapped me in 9th grade and tried to kill me. Since than, I have not heard from her or seen her, thank god! Sometimes I feel like my past was something from a movie, but it was infact my reality. I still have bad dreams about my childhood, just not as much as I used to. I also, have not been able to bring myself to be with a guy. I am still a virgin yes, and I still get all uptight when a guy and I start to get close. That doesn't bother me much, I just hope that I am not like that forever.
Maybe doing this will help me a little more. I write a lot of poetry, but I don't share it with anyone except a select few.
Well I think I have shared enough... so thank you if you took the time to get this far. It was long I know, and I apologize. Again, thank you for letting me share this with you. It is hard for me to post this, but I pray it will help.
so here's the scoop. I'm 18, graduated, have a good job that I love. so what could be so wrong about that right? wrong. I have what most people call "anger issues" but the weird thing is, nothing inparticular brought this on. I've sorta been like this since i was 15..parents divorced when i was 10 and one of my good friend's was murdered when i was 16. I shut myself out to most people and I tend to not like change. it's like the littlest things set me off. dont get me wrong, im a tottally nice person, its just this anger has built up in me and i dont know how to control it. ive been in numerous fights to stick up for one of my friends...but its like this hate doesnt go away. well i do feel a bit better, so thanks for reading this if ya did.
I just want to get in a fight to kick the **** out of somebody. Honestly. Doesn't matter if I get my *** handed to me on a platter, as long as I can just break some fuckers jaw.
I hate my life; I’ve hated it for as long as I can remember. Ever since my first day of kindergarten, before I even got through the doors a girl kicked me in the balls, probably what started my deep hatred of women. In second grade I already had people trying to kill me. A skinny kid and a fat kid tried to lynch me using a jump rope and the jungle gym. And it only went down hill from there. I was stoned with rocks, set on fire, shot, stabbed, tied to a tree and beaten for half an hour, hit by two cars and pushed in front of a bus. I had an entire class of about thirty people standing around me calling me a freak over and over again. I had six kids form a circle around me and beat me with metal baseball bats and they broke my jaw and it never healed right so it’s still crooked. Every friend I ever had betrayed me and set me up for a beating. I’m 22 years old and I’ve never had a girlfriend, never been kissed never gone on a date. I am always alone; in fact I’ve been alone so long I wouldn’t know how to deal with other people even if they did want to be around me. For those of you who would say at least I’m not handicapped you’re wrong, I have an inverted sternum, for those of you who are stupid that means I have a big dent in my chest that pushes on my heart and lungs and makes it hard for me to do things. If that wasn’t enough I also have three twisted disks in my neck which puts pressure on my brainstem so I am in constant pain 24/7. oh but that’s not enough, about once a month a blood vessel constricts on my optic nerve so it feels like my eye is going to explode and I get a migraine that leads to hours of agony ending when I puke and pass out from the delirious pain. And even in my sleep I can find no peace, I remember every dream I ever had in perfect detail and they are all nightmares. Every single one involves me being tortured or eaten by something and since I feel pain in my dreams I know how it feels to be skinned alive and buried in salt. Or buried in sand except for one eye that fire ants use to eat their way into my skull. How about the one with the giant worm of teeth that swallows me and grinds me up for what seems like an eternity until I’m liquid hamburger only to have my pulverized remains dumped into a pit of acid. And because of my nightly hell I have insomnia so I hardly ever sleep. I just lay in bed staring at the ceiling wondering what horrific fate awaits me when I finally doze off. And for those of you who would point out people who’s parents beat them I wish my parents had beaten me, at least then they would have acknowledged my existence instead of pretending I wasn’t even there. To them I’m not even worth hitting. And speaking of my nurturing parents, I’m allergic to tobacco smoke so naturally they both smoke all the time so I constantly feel sick. And yes everyone has problems in there lives but here’s the thing, most of you have something good in your lives, something that makes you happy, something you enjoy. I don’t. And no it’s not a choice; it’s not a matter of finding something I enjoy. I sat down for several hours trying to think of something I would like and I came up empty. The only thing I have ever taken joy in was hurting people, not little weak people, bullies and such, people who deserved it. Other than that nothing in life appeals to me and don’t tell me to learn to like it. You can learn to live with something or deal with it but not to like it, could you learn to like skinning babies alive if you were told to, no? Then shut up! the only thing worse then the growing empty void I feel inside me is the rage and anger at the world for all of the truly rotten people I see living happy lives when they deserve to die horrible deaths. And don’t feed me that crap about them getting what they deserve in the end, they won’t! Even if they died today and I lived to be a hundred and two their lives would have been better. And don’t tell me to be like them, as I said I don’t enjoy the things they do. I try to live my life with dignity and self respect and treat others with courtesy, well the ones who deserve as much anyway. I give food to the homeless; I help people when they need it. In spite of everything that has been done to me I still try to be a good person. I spend the rest of my free time alone in my room staring at a wall while the pieces of filth that have treated me like garbage all my life can get any girl they want and go out with their friends shooting homeless people with paint guns, that’s justice for you. And that’s why I know that there is no god, and if there were I absolutely hate him with every fiber of my being. And I despise you people who give me this crap about the bad people going to hell, news flash, so am I! To be honest I don’t want to go to heaven, it would be to unfamiliar to me, pain and suffering, that’s what I’m used to. And for those of you who would say bad things happen because of my outlook you need to kill yourself. You are confusing cause and effect, if nothing bad was happening why the heck would I have a negative outlook? How does my outlook effect whether or not my computer works? I would really like to know. When nothing good ever happens to you why the hell would you be optimistic? That’s called being in denial. One of the things that pisses me off the most is the fact that every single time I have ever tried to improve my situation every thing imaginable that can go wrong and screw it up happens and I end up failing. I have bad dandruff; ok I go and buy antidandruff shampoo that should work right? Wrong! Nothing works, even after I go to a doctor and all he can say is keep working at it, what kind of crap is that!? I have oily skin so I get medicine crap that is supposed to clear it up, it doesn’t. Everything in my life is like that, I do what logic dictates should solve the problem and it doesn’t work, nothing works! It doesn’t make any sense! In school they said get good grades, be quiet and do your work and we will like you. That was a lie, do those things and you end up with everyone hating you and the school calling you socially unacceptable. Women say that they want a kind hearted guy who will treat them with respect and listen to them. That’s another lie, be that guy and women wont look twice at you, unless they need a favor. Then when things don’t go well with the ******* that they flock to they come back to you and say all men are pigs. Its like I’m playing a game and I get punished for following the rules while others get rewarded for breaking them, its infuriating! Even when I’m attacked no one cares, I had three people stone me with rocks and I was hospitalized, cops came and took pictures of my injuries which was humiliating and I gave them the names of the people who did it and the cops never even talked to them! That’s when I found out that I would have to take care of things myself; it’s also when I learned that I enjoy hurting people, vengeance is fun. By now you are probably wondering why I don’t just kill myself, believe me I have thought about it, I’ve come pretty close a few times actually. Maybe I will someday, it wouldn’t surprise me. But I want to prove all those pricks who have told me that my life will get better that they are wrong. My life will never ever improve no matter what I do, there is no one out there for me and there is no justice in the world. I want to stay alive long enough to point out all the rotten people that they said would get what they deserve and show that they really didn’t. I despise those who criticize and insult me for being like this when it was bastards like them that made me this way in the first place. I hate those that say life isn’t that bad, stop being such a conceited sack of arrogant trash. Your life isn’t that bad, which is why you think that. My life actually is that bad thus my disposition so shut up! How about I tie you to a tree and beat and spit on you for half an hour and then we’ll see if you’re still a pleasant ray of sunshine.
I hate hate hate being bi-racial. I'm a girl who's 21 and my mom is white and my dad is spanish. I've always hated my parents for being together and having kids. My brothers don't mind it so much, but sometimes I wish I were never born. I don't know where I fit in at. I don't really like the spanish culture and how they're always on the news for stealing, kidnapping, raping, protesting and all these other things. Not to mention the fact that we have to learn another language so they can understand us. I'm so embarassed of my heritage that sometimes I just get the urge to kill myself. I can never do it though because i'm a major coward, but sometimes it would make life a lot easier. also, i tend to only date white guys. i will never date any other race, only white guys. and it's always been my dream to have kids, but if i marry a white guy then our kids will be 1/4 of spanish and i cant stand the thought of them being bi-racial and having all the problems i had as a child. not knowing where to fit in, always having to explain why your one parent is a different color than you, and just everything. i've been keeping this in for so long and i just had to get it out.
My stepmother abused me sexually/physically/verbally/psychologically from the age of 7 to 13 when I finally moved out of my fathers home and onto the street. I feel like she ruined my life. CPS was involved, but there wasn't enough evidence and my father refused to do anything.
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