I've liked this guy[ian] for 2yrs. He doesn't understand that I've liked him for so long but he knows i like him. When we first started talking about "us" he was down and then he lead me on forever, it kinda hurt. I stopped talking to him for a few weeks and he said hi to me on myspace and had been askin to kick it. We've been hanging out and just being friends and acting like the past never existed, like always. Every time we run into each other, we try and make the best of it.
Im not sure if he feels the same way because he's always acting fake or joking around alot so i can never tell if he's serious. He's so happy with himself, yet he isn't. I read him like a book but not by real thoughts or feelings.
He makes me feel confident. Open-minded.
Sex is the last thing on my mind when im around him.
I want to be able to share my side of life with him.
I want to be able to open my real self to him.
I want to be able to love and nourish him.
I want to care about everything he does.
I want to be able to be jealous and have him in front of me telling me how he'd never leave me for that *****, ever.
I want to be able to love.
I got alotta love to show but no one loving enough for me.
Im pretty much lost, until <i>he</i> finds me and holds me close.
whenever i feel like i'm starting to feel negative emotions, i tend to isolate myself. i prefer to be silent than to say anything that might make people get the wrong impression on me. sometimes when i'm to aware of what i'm doing (when i'm in this state of silence) i start to get angry because i'm unable to express how i feel. i don't like the fact i'm like this but it seems to happen. i don't know if it's stress or if it's a lack of privacy? i like to keep things mutual but somewhere down the fine line i'm being unfair to myself. i guess i just need to get away or go on a vacation where i can purify my emotions without having people seeing me. silence is something i like hear. i usually get to explore my thoughts without being interrupted. and for a long time, i haven't had silence to get my thoughts clear. i'm constantly on the go. if i'm not working, i'm doing something else. silence is when i get time to relax. i like to meditate because the feeling i get from it calms me down so i'm not worrying about things i shouldn't be worrying about. my emotions work overtime everyday. i just get so worn out. my body suffers from stress. i just want get away so i can clear my conscious.
Im in this situation where I don't know what to do. I got pregnant and I married my child's father. I believe that I married him because I got pregnant not because I love him. I didn't say love because I dont think I know what love truly is. My real problem started when I was pregnant. I would talk to him on the phone and feel him drifting away from me. Before I got pregnant, I was with him for at least a year and a half. Now I feel everything is different with us. I rarely call him now. He rarely calls me now even though were married. I admit im not perfect. I've called him names, said things I shouldn't of and just didn't really respect him. I haven't been able to trust him ever since he cheated on me. How many times he cheated on me? I really dont know. I've thought about cheating on him just to get back at him but I have never even been close to doing it. Now he's telling me to loose weight. He told me "No fat people". He has a tremendous amount of influence on my self-esteem. I told him and his dad I want a divorce. I know I can't stand it anymore. I know I've gained weight but I was pregnant for at least 9 months. I believe he is cheating on me. We live far away from each other so for him to do that without getting caught is simple. He is really different now. He just doesn't seem to have any interest in me. I believe asking for the divorce is the best thing at the moment. I think he never ever liked me. When we were going out that first year he would talk about how hot other girls were, not me. I love my daughter and I want the best for her. At this moment, I don't care whether I meet another guy or not. I don't need a man to make me happy. All i need is my little girl. Although I feel this is just confusing for me. I dont know whether Im doing the right thing or not. I just feel he doesn't give two shits about me and my daughter.
i've been on an emotional rollercoaster for the past eight months. i've been feeling vulnerable to all of my emotions like i never really got to express myself during the times i needed to say something. where do i begin telling you what i feel? i'm 22 years old and i still have my life ahead of me to live. but how can i move forward when there's certain parts of my life that haven't had any type of closure? i've been searching for peace so i can live again. i know this sounds really depressing and alittle pathetic and all but these emotions are real. i'm still finding myself as we speak. i've changed over the course of time which has allowed me to explore and experience everything that i make of my life. i'm at a turning point where the road splits into two different paths. i've fallen to the lowest point of my life once before where nothing seemed to be going anywhere for me. i've had high points in my life but i've fallen short in keeping them into play. now, what i wonder is where am i going from here? i'm living out on my own. i'm raising a little girl who seven years old. i work full time. i don't have a lively social life but i'm surrounded by people who care about me. but deep down i'm sad. and what is it i'm sad about? i have to ask myself why do i feel this way? why do i continuiously keep putting myself down when i've done nothing but kept myself up to par? there's something missing in my life. could it be i'm sick over love? am i really missing that part of my life? i've been hurt in the past. i've had my heart broken and i've broken hearts myself. i've done the dating scene more than enough to say i'm tired of having guys come in and out of my life like it's the thing to do. but what i'm proud of is i never had any of these guys come between my relationship with my daughter. they never met her but they heard stories of her. i kept her away from all of that because i knew guys would run away with a woman with baggage. i'm just tired of all the bullshit that has happened. i don't want to feel like this anymore. i'm so depressed; my feelings are being surpressed because will i ever find that one person who will actually care? i want to love again. i want to find that one person who gives me butterflies. i want to feel like i'm being swept off of my feet. i just want to be held close so i feel protected. i want to know that i can trust this man even when i don't know what's going to happen. i want it all. and i know i deserve it because i've dealt with enough bullshit to say i know what i want and i'm not falling short by not getting what it is that i need. and what's important too is i want to be able to give my love in return without feeling like i have to protect my heart from being broken again.
I am a 25 year old female named Martine and I want to say ...
everyday i live with the pain of emptiness. i'm still reminded with memories of happiness and saddness. somewhere down the road i lost some part of me. i can't say i'm living if i'm still living in the past. but when i look back everything happened very fast. i never got a chance to ask why? what i feel now is the same feeling i feel today. i still love him. does this make me insane? after six years i still want to be with him. after these six whole years, i can't see myself without him. and only these six years i haven't even spoken to him. how do you explain to the person you love that you're still in love with them?? it hurts everyday knowing i can't be with him. i feel as if i shouldn't have let him go. but i let him go for the right reasons. i loved him so much i knew we both needed the time to grow. now i can only wait to really know if he'll ever come back to me. whenever i go out on dates i find myself comparing these guys to him. i can't help it. i know it's fucked up and just wrong to even do this but it happens. i can find this guy to be very nice and very geniuwine but something stops me from persuing anything serious with them. first of all, i don't want guys coming in and out of life because i have a daughter to take care of. second, i start to lose interest in them because they become to needy. meaning they start to act like babies and i find that to be very annoying. anyway, i'm blabbing because i'm still trying to find the source of my saddness. i want to be happy again. i want to be able to love again. until i find the one person i can honestly be with and except me for who i am...... well i just might move on and live again. it sucks to feel this way. i can't explain this to anyone because when i did they just said to let it go. well, as much as i want to just let it go, i really can't let him go. i love him and i will always love him. until i find someone who is better than him i can only be alone because i don't want to hurt anyone with false emotions.
My days did seem brighter since you've began to walk along with me..
but now those days will no longer be and merely turn into another sad memory..
i write these gathered words in an effort to confess, how i feel..
no tears are yet shed but my broken heart may bring gloomy clouds
and rain drops might fall somewhere down this lonely road i fear..
as the sunrises and sunsets brings beauty in the sky..
you had once brought the same essence and painted bright colors on my desolete frowns..
I thought i saw it in your eyes when you looked at me..
as i felt the passion that once burned intensly inside of me
desperate desires that i had kept secret
the sexual attraction got me close..
but i guess we'll never discover the hidden secrets nor adventure the places that i yearned for
i was so afraid to show you how much i desired you next to me..
.. and today it was proven to always trust my gut feekn'
Can you choose who you fall for.. and can you choose when to fall and how?
guess if we had that choice..i wouldn't be here writing another sad poem of love...
wish i knew when to hold back and when to just let it all go..
..wish i saw you first -so it wouldn't be i havin' to let u go
wishing i knew the reasons why men tell many lies..
I now only know the heartach that persist..
and persist to be a part of my life..
not even searhin' for a man nor want to fall in love ..
..yet when i take chance at learnin and tryin' someting new
i end up singin another sad love song..
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