So I would like to say I've been gay all my life and always new, but that's not true. I do believe it runs in the family though, one of those Hush, Hush don't ask don't tell policies that go one between family members, but it is true with my family. The paranoia just about kills me, them finding out. I mean we are one of those HUGE tight-knit kinds where everyone is in everyone's business. Well, I can't come to terms that they just might like me for who I am. I can do that to them. I'd rather them just keep on pretending everything is normal, fine and straight. I just can't stand it though. Pretending. Steadily I feel like I floating farther and farther from the opposite sex like I don't see men as desirable. They're just objects sometimes or essential in appearing straight face versus what I am. Bi, smy, do they really have a chance with this "girl getting bitterer?" I don't know. I still want kids. What's holding me back is the American dream really, having a sustainable unit fantasy. No female fantasy I can't get away from. So which is better? Propriety or truth? I'm not sure anyway. I just know I'm a very confused person who can't find her place in the socially normal constraints of life. Living in the South doesn't help, niether does being Catholic for that matter. Yet, it all just keeps piling on, piling on and my sanity is what suffers. My happiness is what suffers. And other people suffer because I'm to conflicted to be civil and "straight" with them. I confess here like I would confess to God or the gods, I AM GAY. I AM A EFFIN' LEZBO! Maybe bisexual for now, just because it's comfier for me to make myself and a select others know that I go both ways or I'm just not sure which way I'll every go for sure. It hurts that his is anonymous and no one could ever see the real me. The real me that likes girls because men don't quite cut it and my mold is a woman. "I like girls, so deal with it." Someday, I'll be able to speak this truth to all the world!
I'm a white girl who is absolutely crazy about asian guys. Even the worst looking asian guys are somehow attractive to me, and it takes so much for a white guy to catch my eye. I've even thought to myself that I could never be happy with a white guy, no matter how great he was.
I'm also really shallow, and can't stand guys that are even a little fat. I prefer skinny, and anything falling into overweight or worse totally turns my stomach. At the same time, I hate guys who ask their girlfriends to lose weight when they get fat. I think they're assholes, even though I'd feel the same way if I were them.
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