i recently felt like the world was caving in on me when all of a sudden i've realized what was really happening to me: i was closing myself off to the world. i've felt so afraid to be myself while in this state of mind because i was so depressed. i had hidden my personal problems deep in my conscience but unconsciously i was emotionally acting out what i was hiding. i would cry out of no where and wonder why? i would get upset or take jokes personally when the joke wasn't directed towards me. i felt so self-conscience of my surroundings where it was literally driving me crazy. i had become so paranoid and defensive when i didn't need to be. i felt like everyone was against me or out to get me. i wasn't doing any drugs either. even at social gatherings i would have a drink and i would start crying from all the emotions i was feeling so i stopped drinking. i gone through this shocking experience two years ago and the memories were still haunting me. i didn't tell people who weren't close to me. so those people still think i'm nuts but i don't care. what matters is that the people who've known me my whole life know what had happened to me. they have done their best to understand and be there for me while i was suffering from this. i'm so thankful and appreciate all they have done for me. i just feel bad that they had to endure some of my pain. i didn't mean to be such a ***** while i was getting over the past. Since i have released all of my pain, i have had some closure to that chapter in my life. i just want to say i feel alive again.
I don't know, reading this site it seems like everyone is in love with their best friend. I'm not one to talk. I'm kinda going through this "time" right now. And I probably am in love with my best friend who is a couple states away. And I don't think I knew how much I cared about her till she was gone. I spent years chasing after her friends, other girls, I never expected to feel so much for her. I know that sounds cliche, which is ironic because there's nothing cliche about either one of us. Of course she does have a bit of a bf, who she never talked about in the years I knew her and did her best to hide. We haven't exactly lost touch, but we touch less than I'd like. lol. And due to a series of unfortunate events both in my career and family, there's no way I can just pick up and leave my current situation. Even if I did she has a new life now. And I care about her too much to complicate her already complicated life.
So for me, I'm trying my best to just forget her. Move on. Date new people. Sometimes that works. Sometimes it doesn't. Its hard when you expect the type of chemistry with someone new that you had with your best friend.
Basically I'm just posting this to say "I know what you are going through" to anyone else who is dealing with this stuff. I know, as I'm going through a multitude of pains (many of which I cannot reveal even here) I do take some solace in reading this site and no longer feeling "alone" in my troubles.
I am a 16 year old female with the username tRIPTHUNDEr and I want to say ...
Over the course of three months, I've managed to isolate myself from everyone once close to me.
Nobody really knows what's been going on with me as of late, and none have bothered themselves enough to pipe up.
I don't have any good friends anymore. Or any friends at all, for that matter. And I seem to be incapable of making new ones. The last decent conversation I had was yesterday, with a middle-aged woman. People such as her are so much more fascinating than obnoxious brats my age. But I'm positive that no adults care to seek friendship in children like me.
Ok well all that is pretty much aside me now. The advice someone gave me actually worked and made things much more clear. They kind of put in words what I was thinking and wasnt able to. Although I'm over most of it. From time to time, I know things are going to come up and make me think the way I did before about her. I'm thinking if I just reminde myself what was said that helped me, that I'll be ok. It's a work in progress. I'm now getting to know a really sweet girl who goes to my school and I really hope this works out for the best. But anyone who gave me their input reads this. Thank you so much. Seriously.
So I would like to say I've been gay all my life and always new, but that's not true. I do believe it runs in the family though, one of those Hush, Hush don't ask don't tell policies that go one between family members, but it is true with my family. The paranoia just about kills me, them finding out. I mean we are one of those HUGE tight-knit kinds where everyone is in everyone's business. Well, I can't come to terms that they just might like me for who I am. I can do that to them. I'd rather them just keep on pretending everything is normal, fine and straight. I just can't stand it though. Pretending. Steadily I feel like I floating farther and farther from the opposite sex like I don't see men as desirable. They're just objects sometimes or essential in appearing straight face versus what I am. Bi, smy, do they really have a chance with this "girl getting bitterer?" I don't know. I still want kids. What's holding me back is the American dream really, having a sustainable unit fantasy. No female fantasy I can't get away from. So which is better? Propriety or truth? I'm not sure anyway. I just know I'm a very confused person who can't find her place in the socially normal constraints of life. Living in the South doesn't help, niether does being Catholic for that matter. Yet, it all just keeps piling on, piling on and my sanity is what suffers. My happiness is what suffers. And other people suffer because I'm to conflicted to be civil and "straight" with them. I confess here like I would confess to God or the gods, I AM GAY. I AM A EFFIN' LEZBO! Maybe bisexual for now, just because it's comfier for me to make myself and a select others know that I go both ways or I'm just not sure which way I'll every go for sure. It hurts that his is anonymous and no one could ever see the real me. The real me that likes girls because men don't quite cut it and my mold is a woman. "I like girls, so deal with it." Someday, I'll be able to speak this truth to all the world!
i have a problem being faithful. i cant be with one person. i have a boyfriend that i love very much but i cheat on him all the time. i love the excitement. it seems its more fun when there is that chance of getting caught. i do it on a daily basis. and he never finds out.
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