i am 14 years old.
i have probably the worst problems than any other kid.. im always fustrated and depressed and i am constantly doing drugs and im addicted to cocaine, roches, heroin, and acid. i think about ending my life half the time.. well all the time. I cut myself and my friends and boyfriend often worry about me, they try to help me stop but i dont listen and i cant. Nothing that anyone will tell me is getting in my head, and i dont care what anyone thinks anymore. I know its hurting them, but its my life and i could do whatever i want with it.. if i want to end it, i will. I just got out of the hospital 5 days ago for overdosing on sleeping pills and roches & i dont care if thats the way i'll die. You really want a reason why i do drugs and cut? well you cant, because there's to much problems in my life and i dont want or need anyones confort or help in this, i guess im just a fucked up kid that doesnt deserve to be here. Well.. that what i just wanted to let this out, even though none really ******* cares about me.
my friend got eaten out and fingered...and then her and the guy that did it almost had sex. it bothers the **** out of me. this was her first time doing anything with a guy. im supposed to be her best guy friend but i just cant get over that she did that.
Why is that guys do certain things. OK i liked a guy for a while and put some effort into trying to get things going with him. He responded to my efforts and moved foward with "getting to know each other better" in all aspects. right after we do something he stops talking to me and starts talking bad about me to his friend which happen to my friends as well. Why couldn't he just tell me that he never really liked me and he wants me to stay away from him. If he is talking about me in a bad way it only that he doesn't like me but that he really dislikes me. how could he do that when all i ever was to him was nice. We were friends before anything at least thats what i thought, not only what i thought but what he told me. That is the horrible to do to some body. I can't even understand what amkes guys do those types of things.
Wow, where do i start?
Ok well, for a whole year of 2005, i was completely blinded an inlove with my best guy friend. Hes a man whore. He defines the word whore, thats how bad he is, but i was drawn to him either way. We were at different times in our lives so we decided to just be friends. Good friends. Nothing more, nothing less. With that being said though i still waited for him. Waited for him to change his mind and realize thats its me that he should be with, not the dumb nitwits hes been *******. I waited for a lost cause and i knew it. I was so blinded that no matter what he did, i forgave him, no matter how much hed hurt me (emotionally), id forgive him. Id choose him over my friends most of the time. id get into fights with them because of him too.
Now early on this year (2006) i decided to make a huge move and get away from it all. I have this distant cousin who i was really close with, closer than my best friends, who lived in another state and i decided to move over there with her. Now keep in mind shes been up to date with everything, every single thing that goes on with me. and my best guy friend. Before i moved, i had asked her to come visit me one last time and meet everyone where i lived before i leave it all behind. Big mistake. My last night there, she ended up hooking up with my best guy friend and ******* him in my room, on my bed, at my house, with the door open while i was down the hall packing. I cried all night and all day the next. And i didnt even get to properly say good bye to him. A year of friendship down the drain. Now i know it should seem like i should be mad at him too, but i couldnt, we werent together. I was mad at her and only her cuz of the fact that she did it, when all the while she knew how i felt about him. Anyways, its been 2 months and 5 days since that night. I still moved, unwillingly, and now reside in her territory with no friends no nothing. We talk like nothing happen, we hangout and laugh all the time as if theres not a big knot inside me wondering why i trusted her with everything. I hate her with a passion inside, but i dont show. i dont even dare talk to her about that night, afraid i just might kill her. Now the question is, should i keep this act ive been putting on? keep doing it forever and just forget about the rest? or confront her? what would i say? Sometimes i would picture it all in my head as to what would happen and what would be said if we did end up confronting the issue. Even if she apologizes, i still wouldnt even know what to say. please i need help.
Ps.
I had to watch the movie In Her Shoes with her and it was the most uncomfortable movie ive ever seen, because i felt as if it was exactly what i was going through.
Well I'm what you would call a nice guy haven't been in a fight in years, always try to be nice never get into arguments, or yell at people like lose it. But I just feel so frustrated I just wanna go up to people and kick the **** out of them you know just beat them to a pulp, get all my friends and just have them stand in front of me and knock them out, sometimes when I'm with people I just look at them and imagine beating the crap out of them leaving them almost dead. I also imagine being like a sniper and just sniping people off but like bad people rapists, murderers, pedophiles just hunting them down with a group of people and killing one by one looking through them through a scope and shooting them. And then I also imagine just going up in glory go into a killing rampage and just end in all in a big glory like people watching as the bullets pass my body, and there all civilization will end that's how I wanna go. I wanna watch as the world goes up in flames
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