I'm just a thirteen year old girl. I go to Middle School like everyone else, we have dress code so I wear what everyone else wears, I have a whole group of friends, I have a nice personality (albeit crazy), I'm not fat or stupid... so, why am I shunned?
I have a group of 12 friends, myself included. By everyone but these 12, I am shunned. I feel like I'm not good enough for anyone else. All the boys think I'm a *****, and all the girls think I'm... well, I don't know what they think of me, but they make fun of me all the same. I just don't get it. If everyone wears the same thing, goes to the same school... why do they single me out, and make fun of me? They don't do it to anyone else in my group.
It's just me. But don't get me wrong, I'm not one of these cutter people, I don't take anti-depressants, I'm not a goth; I'm just a normal girl. So what makes me so different? What's so bad about me that everyone but those 12 people despise me for life. (All the students in my school pretty much followed each other from Kindergarten to the Eight Grade) I don't know what I did.
Alright, I've never told anybody this...here goes. I grew up in a Christian home and while things were never perfect, we were happy. We truly loved God and each other. Then the fights started. I'm not sure when or why, but suddenly I fought with my parents all the time - about stupid things, like me forgetting to clean my room or leaving a wet towel on the floor. Then one time we were fighting and my Dad lost it. He told me to go to my room and I refused, so he picked me up and hauled me into my room and threw me onto the (hardwood) floor and started screaming in my ear and slapping me. When he threw me, I hit my face on the wall and got a black eye. My Mom told me to tell everyone that I tripped and fell, so I did. Everyone believed me. We had several fights like this. I started hating myself because I knew it was wrong. I knew God didn't want this, but we just couldn't seem to stop fighting. The guilt was tearing my Dad apart so he eventually just stopped talking to me altogether. He stopped beating me, but he never spent any time with me either. I began to hate him...not for the abuse, but for ignoring me. That hurt worse than anything. Then my Mom started yelling at me all the time, because my Dad had distanced himself from even her. I could never please her, I was always in the way. Now because of my parents' rejection, I can't open up to anyone. I have no friends and the ones I do have hardly know me. I'm afraid to be myself because I feel like I'm such a screw-up, everyone will hate me once they truly know me. I've never been in a real relationship with a guy because I'm too afraid to trust anyone. I still hate myself for all of that, even though it's been years. What a mess.
Ive been friends with this kid that i like alot ive liked him since i met him and on the last day of school before summre vacation i found out i was staying back and i knew i wouldnt see him alot i walked home with him and ended up kissing him i dontt hink its wrong but alot of people had problems with it mostly grils becasue i am a little white skater girl and hes a black "Ghetto" kid i hated that people said stuff it pissed me off so much why cant people just let me do what i want? is it wrong t ohave a inter ratial relationship?
Sometimes I'm so insecure that it worries me, even makes me afraid. Lately I've been feeling unloved by my "boyfriend" ("boyfriend" because I'm not even sure if we're going out or just having sex for the fun of it, though not much of that happens to my disappointment, but I digress) and I feel that he's shutting me out and not giving me the affection I crave. (I should point out that he's my first everything. He's tought me everything). I keep thinking this is a reflection on me when it really might be a problem he's having. But even though I think that, almost everytime after I see him, I spend 7 hours crying about how much I wish he could love me more and show it. But the next day I keep thinking, that nothing is really wrong, and that it's just my insecurities showing. But I usually send him text messages telling him how depressed I feel, when the next day I rue that and wish I could just keep it to myself. The most awful thing is that I can't physically call him and tell him this. I'm afraid.
It's so ******* hard to be in complete love with someone who doesn't love you in return. I know I could sort all this out by just talking to him, but I'm afraid that what's been happening so far might be the first steps towards a break up, which I fear more than anything else. I've never been in love with anyone else but him.
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